P.S.

 

Went for my run.  No crazy park rangers, giant rednecks or snakes anywhere in sight.

 

It is a beautiful Monday afternoon on the long weekend.  I decide to go for my usual run, on my usual route.  It never occured to me that today would be any different.  But oh no... today was different.

 

I lace up my shoes, kick up my mp3, throw on my shades and head out (minus Bristol - which should have been an indication that something was weird).  I start out like always... walk to the beach, stretch and march over to the park.  Nothing eventful so far... 

 

Once I hit the pavement, I settle into my stride and slow my breathing.  There is a slight wind that kisses my cheeks.  The sun is peeking through the tree tops and the birds are singing.  Perfect.

 

As I round the first corner, weird thing #1.  The park ranger has parked his fancy pickup along side the bank.  This is weird because there is no one in it.  I scan to see if he is around - being curious and nosey that I am - and at first glance see no one.  Just as I am thinking: "weird"... out of freaking nowhere - he is right in front of me.  I just about run right into him!  He doesn't even move.  I appoligize and scoot over to the right to get around him.  He just looks at me and nods, doesn't move or talk, just nods.  I quickly give another scan, just to make sure there is no psycho killer with a 12 gauge shot gun pointed at him (or me) but again, there is nothing but the birds.  Ok, weird.  I pick up my stride once again and continue on (making a note to stear clear of park ranger's vehicle next time one is anywhere in my eye sight).

 

I cross the foot bridge and make my way through the Highlands section of the park.  All of the weekend campers have packed up and left.  There are still a few smoldering fires and permits mistakenly left on the posts.  Just as I was forgetting about the weird park ranger incident, weird thing #2 happens.  Just as I go to break into a sprint (corner to corner for training purposes) a big *ss truck comes flying out of a campsite and almost smacks right into me.  I scream (naturally) and jump about 5 feet to my left.  I stop to give the cheese ball who was driving a piece of my mind, but then I see.  This is the biggest guy I have ever seen.  He was at least 7 feet tall (seriously, he was huge).  He jumps out and starts appoligizing incessently.  He keeps walking towards me, not letting me get a word in edgewise.  I was thinking: "ok buddy, it's ok.  I have all my limbs and my nails are fine.  No harm, no foul.  Relax."  But he just kept getting closer and closer.  Totally creepy.  I told him (for the 10th time) I was fine and then decided I better break into that sprint.  He looked like someone from America's Most Wanted commercials.  I can bet I did that sprint in record time.  I keep going, figuring there is no way in hell I am going back that way.  And so, I continue on (keeping in mind to now watch out for park rangers, and crazy psycho rednecks that want to kidnap me in their monster trucks).

 

Once through Highlands, I hit the main road.  Intelligent as I am, I know things happen in 3s.  So I am on full alert for some nutjob to come jumping out of the bushes.  Well that didn't happen but weird thing #3 did.  I am almost to the park gates, ready to make my way back around to the beach side and head home.  I was on full alert for some human to scare the beejesus out of me, but I was not prepared for mother nature to.  I am just coming up the hill, starting my cool down, when it was right there.  Now, I am typically a rational person.  I can reason with myself, think out my options, and come up with a plan.  But all of that went out the window when I saw that stupid snake.  I freak.  Ughhhh.  I am terrified of snakes.  Not just: Ewwww, a snake.  I am going to go around it and it will leave me alone.  No, no.  In the presence of a snake I am incapable of thought, no matter how far away.  Guaranteed it was like 30 feet or so off, but in my head, it was right there... ready to attack me.  Yes, attack.  So the next part if a little fuzzy, but I kind of remember jumping up and down a few times, screaming at the top of my lungs, and sprinting back to safety at the parc gates.  Ok.  I am ok.  I start to think out my options: A) Go back and face the huge gorilla in the Highlands  B) Come across creepy ranger dude that does not speak or C) Head back to the hill with the snake, armed with ammo.  Thinking... still thinking...  Well, C) seemed like the most appropriate answer so I pick up every rock, stick and stray blade of grass I can find, stuff then in every pocket and hole I have on my body (not those holes but you get my drift) and head back.  In my head I am freaking out (again) but I keep walking.  I come up the hill and sure enough it is right there.  Bigger than I remember the first time, but there.  I start out with the light stuff (I don't really want to hurt it, I just want it to GO AWAY!).  The stupid thing does not even budge.  It just sits there and looks at me.  So, I pull out the sticks.  I manage to hit it on the head and wasn't that a stupid move.  It starts comming right for me.  So I start firing the heavy artilery.  I was like a machine, the rocks just pummled that stupid snake and it eventually slithered into the tall grass.  I jumped at the chance (yes, screaming the whole time) and ran as fast as I could right to the beach.  I didn't stop.  My legs were burning and my chest felt like there was about 4 cinderblocks sitting right on it.  I didn't care, I just kept running.  I was not waiting for weird thing #4 to happen.  I got home in record time - out of breath and sore, but I got home. 

 

Who's stupid idea was it anyhow to go for a run on a holiday?

 

 

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from.

 

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says,

 

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party  that I made love

to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

 

"No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

I can't sleep.  I wish it would start rainning.